Saturday, April 9, 2011

Johomo and the Witnesses - Part I

I have one regret in life and that was going through with baptism at such a young age. You see, JW's make baptism a choice by not forcing parents to baptize their kids at birth. Being an intelligent 10 year old who was eager to please my parents, I completed my religious studies, met with the elders for the pre-baptism questioning and a week later arrangements were made so that I could be baptized at the next JW Assembly in Quebec.

It's somewhat unusual for a JW to go through with baptism at such a young age. Most of my siblings took the plunge in their late teens or early adulthood. The reason they eventually caved and went through with baptism was because no 'good girl' or 'good boy' will ever date you if you're not baptized. At around the age of 10 yrs old I knew about as much about lesbian sex (or sex in general) as I knew about quantum physics and couldn't see any reason why I wouldn't go through with it. Clearly I lacked vision.

Had I only waited ONE year I probably wouldn't of gone through with it. That's right, at age 11 not only did I start reading the National Geographic and Scientific American magazines (before then I only checked out the photos), I also entered the confusing, hormonal period of a young woman's life that's known as puberty. Although the thought of having sex never really entered my mind, I developed a massive crush on my grade 6 teacher. Thanks to this crush, I started to do my homework to impress my teacher and to my parents dismay, I decided I wanted to go to university. What for? To be a lawyer.

Although I didn't realize it back then, this teacher crush was probably the first clue that I can recall indicating that I was a Johomo with the Witnesses. It would shock my family to know that I was 'diggin' the ladies at the age of 11 almost as much as it shocks my friends now when I tell them I've knocked on a few doors in my life. And no I'm not referring to your pussy.

Johomo and the Witnesses - Introduction

Nothing out of the ordinary has been happening lately so I'm going to take you back into the past with my blog series called "Johomo and the Witnesses".

Preaching by day, making out with girls by night was my reality as a Johomo Witness. Why Johomo and the Witnesses? I'll refer to this blog series as "Johomo and the Witnesses" because they (i.e. the JW's) wouldn't like it if I claimed to be a gay JW. It's kind of like how Irshad Manji pisses off muslims by claiming to be a muslim lesbian. Although I like the idea of pissing off the JWs, I'm an atheist and no longer label myself as a JW (i.e. pleasing the family lost it's importance). However, there was a time when I was a Johomo Witness (i.e. a gay JW) and I may mistakenly refer to myself as such during this blog.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dating Hiatus

After an unpleasant experience with a few people (two of which I had dated) I spent my Christmas holidays experiencing a mini-depression where I sat in my sister's basement and knitted, watched movies and overanalyzed my life. After a while I decided that 2011 was going to be the year of Fraise's dating hiatus.  During my over analysis phase I realized a few things about me and dating;
a) Initially I love dating people I'm not interested in because then I can relax, be myself and scare them away with my inappropriate and uncanny sense of humour;
b) If I don't succeed in scaring my date away they usually want to initiate something 'more serious';
c) Watching someone's hope shatter as you admit that their desire to initiate something 'more serious' won't come to fruition because you've already 'friend zoned' them blows;
d) Feeling uninteresting when encountering someone who seems interesting blows;
e) Never having the courage to tell someone you like that you're hoping for something 'more serious' makes the whole dating game pointless and also blows; and finally
f) When you realize your self-esteem is being compromised by 20 or so unsuccessful candidates (that's how many numbers I deleted from my phone) a dating moratorium becomes necessary.

During my hiatus from dating I've re-allocated my time towards new and old friends by hosting keggers, dinner parties and dance parties in my new house. I've also had several good laughs by volunteering as a wing-woman for a few individuals in my man posse. I've attended cougar bars for fun, laughed at drunk 19 year old varsity sponsors at the Elgin Street diner at 3 in the morning, attended burlesque shows, film festivals, art shows, poetry slams, public book readings and various fundraisers.  I've joined a running group and am training for a 10K race and then a half marathon. I'm planning hiking trips in BC and another solo-cyclotouring adventure from Sarnia to Manitoullin Island for this fall. In short, I've been having a blast, am very excited about my life and am feeling more appreciated and loved by my friends then ever.

Recently a few people have propped up and have invited me to engage with them on a level that might constitute dating. Although a big part of me is flattered at the thought of someone wanting to get to know me better the ghosts from my 2010 experiences are telling me 'don't go there!'. This week I said no thank you to going on dates with three different individuals. This is the first time in the last 2 years that I've declined a date and I'm feeling really good about it.

I'm not sure how long this will last but for now this Fraise continues to ride solo.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's a hard sell....

I've never managed to integrate into the LGBT scene and as a result 'picking-up' tends to be a challenge. As luck would have it, I have a well developed, tight knit social circle that consists of 99% straight people (I have one gay man friend). On most nights out on the town someone from my man posse will kindly offer to be my 'wingman' to help alleviate the pick-up challenge I've encountered. I ALWAYS turn down these offers 'to help' because the whole concept of approaching someone with the hopes of 'more' makes me extremely uncomfortable.

In any case, last friday this friend, a drunk 6'2", white handsome male that I'll refer to as Cupid, and I are dancing when he suddenly yells out "this is enough! I'm gonna help you out!". Afterwards, my determined little Cupid storms into the crowd in search of a lesbian. His later admitted that his lesbian criteria was limited to the following: gay, under 40 and alive. How difficult could it be?

Who knew it would be so taboo for a handsome 26 year old white male to approach a group of girls to ask them "are you a lesbian?" The initial response was a 'gasp' followed by "you're such a freak!". If there was no 'gasp' he would proceed to say "Did you happen to come along with or know any girls that are gay?". If the initial question didn't get them then the second would always instigate angry womyn speech.

So Cupid comes back to my section of the dance floor looking pretty discouraged and says "I'm so sorry. It's a really hard sell...who knew?!" and then he spots her... cute asian girl dancing her heart out in hiking boots.

Convinced that the hiking boots are a definite lesbian cue he decides to refine his approach to improve his chances of success as a wingman. So Cupid inconspicuously moves in on her, dances with her, smiles a lot and eventually makes small talk. As she warms up, she gets a little chattier so he takes her over to me and with a HUGE grin he slurs out the words "I want to introduce you to my friend". Before I even have the chance to extend my hand and say my usual "Hello" she has already turned around to face him and starts dancing even closer. Cupid looks at me in disbelief and reads my lips as I mouth the words "NOT GAY".  Another lesson learned: sometimes straight girls go out dancing in hiking boots.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I've only ever rocked three hairdos in my life...

It started off as a ponytail. I'm the second youngest of six (or seven) kids, I'm quiet and shy, I have reddish (auburn) straight hair that's kept in a tidy ponytail until age 11. My sisters often try to convince me to switch it up by forcing me to sit still while they pull and tug at my hair to make 'french braids' and turn me off of femininity forever. Okay, so because of the sisters it's occasionally a little different but 98% of the time I  have a ponytail that my dad loves because he hates it when "tes cheveux sont dans ton visage!"

Then on picture day in grade 6 I submit to the requests of my female classmates and finally 'let my hair down'. Worse idea ever...The grade three teacher in my school, an overweight big breasted loud woman, yells down the hall as I'm walking to my classroom and says "Hey raspberry did you get your hair stuck in a vacuum or something?"lol

As it turns out, picture day in Gr. 6 is so devastating I make a decision to keep my hair in a bun every day until grade 10. The bun and my good grades earns me the nickname of "Professor" lol. I don't have a whole lot to say about the bun years because well...having a turd-looking hair arrangement on your head is bound to make your life boring.

So I'm 15 yrs old, I'm in highschool and everyone seems to have more fun than I do. I decide that the bun is to blame and that it has to go. My mom and I drive to Timmins where I buy expensive conditioner, get a hair cut and let the hair flow.

Now I'm 25 years old and on most days the hair is a bit crazy. It's like it has a multiple personality disorder and you can never really know what your hairdo will bring about. Sometimes it brings forward friends with 'curl-probing' fetishes, or comments like "did you get your hair stuck in a vacuum", or "would it bother you if I hid my joint in your hair".

In a way, I like the crazy mane because life is just so much more exciting when you don't know what's coming; buckwheat, Shirley Temple, Carrot Top, Einstein, or a hybrid of any of the aforementioned do's.

Friday, February 4, 2011

This is what's up...

I've always told myself that my life isn't unusual or crazy enough for the blog world....My friends tell me otherwise so I'm going to have a go at blogging.

10 things you should know about me (in this order);
1- I have crazy hair and know how to rock it
2- I have big hands and know how to work them (knitting, renovating, gardening etc...)
3- If you thought something dirty when reading #2 then we should have coffee together
4- Listening to CBC podcasts and cycling are amongst my favourite things to do (I also like long walks by the beach at sunset ;)
5- Will gladly go out with, have a conversation with and do odd things with people I've never met
6- I'm a lesbian who effectively pushes away any other lesbian that I'm mildly interested in....hence 4 years of singledom
7- I bought a house so that I could host larger dinner parties
8- My dancing is horrible but I insist on doing it in public AT LEAST 3 times a month.
9- To me, life is about messing up and then laughing about it
10- My writing skills are nothing to brag about....