Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's a hard sell....

I've never managed to integrate into the LGBT scene and as a result 'picking-up' tends to be a challenge. As luck would have it, I have a well developed, tight knit social circle that consists of 99% straight people (I have one gay man friend). On most nights out on the town someone from my man posse will kindly offer to be my 'wingman' to help alleviate the pick-up challenge I've encountered. I ALWAYS turn down these offers 'to help' because the whole concept of approaching someone with the hopes of 'more' makes me extremely uncomfortable.

In any case, last friday this friend, a drunk 6'2", white handsome male that I'll refer to as Cupid, and I are dancing when he suddenly yells out "this is enough! I'm gonna help you out!". Afterwards, my determined little Cupid storms into the crowd in search of a lesbian. His later admitted that his lesbian criteria was limited to the following: gay, under 40 and alive. How difficult could it be?

Who knew it would be so taboo for a handsome 26 year old white male to approach a group of girls to ask them "are you a lesbian?" The initial response was a 'gasp' followed by "you're such a freak!". If there was no 'gasp' he would proceed to say "Did you happen to come along with or know any girls that are gay?". If the initial question didn't get them then the second would always instigate angry womyn speech.

So Cupid comes back to my section of the dance floor looking pretty discouraged and says "I'm so sorry. It's a really hard sell...who knew?!" and then he spots her... cute asian girl dancing her heart out in hiking boots.

Convinced that the hiking boots are a definite lesbian cue he decides to refine his approach to improve his chances of success as a wingman. So Cupid inconspicuously moves in on her, dances with her, smiles a lot and eventually makes small talk. As she warms up, she gets a little chattier so he takes her over to me and with a HUGE grin he slurs out the words "I want to introduce you to my friend". Before I even have the chance to extend my hand and say my usual "Hello" she has already turned around to face him and starts dancing even closer. Cupid looks at me in disbelief and reads my lips as I mouth the words "NOT GAY".  Another lesson learned: sometimes straight girls go out dancing in hiking boots.

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